Warning: This is a darker piece. This was a very dark time in my life. I was struggling with undiagnosed severe depression. and I didn’t know what to due nor how to face it. It is with the encouragement of my family and friends I got help. I found a therapist and got on the right medicine to help me. It took finding the right combination of medicine and the right therapist. This took time. Nothing in life is instant fixes. If you have depression or any other mental health issues please seek help. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. There is no shame. This is why I’m posting this so others out there know that we all have demons and with the help of professionals we can live normal lives. You may not find the right fit right away but keep trying. My mother can tell you I walked out of a lot of therapist to find the right fit for me. Don’t settle until you find that person who are comfortable with and can talk about your problems. Remember to keep fighting, and you have survived a 100% of your bad days. Even in the darkness of nights the sun will always rise the next day.
The world feels like its ending around me and nothing else matters I can’t feel anything anymore. I just want to feel again, but I can’t it emptiness inside of myself. Then I move the blade with a slice across the wrist I see and feel again. Red. Slowly life starts to leak away from my body but I finally am feeling. Again. Slice. More red. With each slice I feel more whole and together and pain something I hadn’t felt in weeks. Numbness was the only thing that surrounded me but I finally feel again. In the distance I hear the crash and the pounding in my ears. Slice. It’s warm and sticky but it is life.
“Oh my god! Savannah!” My best friend screams yanking my life from me. Soon the red is gone.  “Call her mother she is going home, something is wrong.”
The tears I didn’t know I was even shedding hit the floor in puddles as they trailed down my cheeks. “I just want to be whole again and feel.” I whisper to her.
The silver and sharp objects disappear that night, and I’m toted away in the cover of darkness still with tears trailing down my cheeks. It’s so hard, I don’t understand why I’m so empty inside, but it’s only the silver and sharp objects that make me feel again but its short lived.
All the talks in the world couldn’t make the emptiness feel whole again. It’s the darkness inside. Black and bleak. Pulling me into the darkness. I’m drowning. Drowning in a sea of darkness and despair with no way of knowing how to help myself. Except with the moment of silver.
Silver.
Such a small item but can do so much damage so quickly. At nineteen I’m still finding myself but myself is lost in the darkness. It’s called depression. A serious condition. So serious I crave only the sharp and silver to feel otherwise I am bleak and meaningless. What I do is the taboo? We don’t tell my father or brother or anyone else. Mother’s and my secret. That I crave the silver and sharp.
But one night I’m discovered. The brother screams. Yanks it from my hands gets in my face and tells me I’m more. More? More than silver and sharp? More than the red?
I’ll live.
Savannah M. Kammer 